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Brothers: bonds that leave their mark

Brothers: bonds that leave their mark


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After the parent-child relationship, probably the relationship between siblings is one of the most complex. It is a non-chosen bond, which will accompany us for life, which will teach us a lot but at the same time can present difficulties.

Siblings are that bond that leaves its mark on children and it is our job to promote and care for it.

Uruguayan psychologist Fanny Berger addressed this issue in her book "Brothers. Links that leave a mark"edited by Uranus. The author explains that it is in the relationship with siblings where we develop our skills of competence, socialization and positioning in front of others. Siblings are our trainers: either because we learn with them to bond with the other, or to develop other special skills such as argumentation, empathy, mastering jealousy, etc.

Regarding this last point, it refers to the famous favoritism, real or dreamed, that is always a reason for jealousy among children. Usually each one thinks that another is the favorite. Berger argues that differential treatment often exists on the part of one of the parents, even if it is unconsciously and of course without the intention to harm or harm. This differential treatment is related to the personality of the father, the traits of each child and the circumstances of birth. Sometimes a child was more sought after, at other times it may have arrived unexpectedly, at a time when the parents were more serene or complicated by personal issues, and all this can affect the bond that is established with the child.

It is important to understand that the bond between siblings largely depends on the behavior of adults. A special section of the book is dedicated to the comparison between the brothers, that the Psic. Fanny Berger argues it is tremendously harmful. Remind parents that “in reality each brother is in relation to himself and not in comparison with the other. Each brother is as he is and the only valid comparison is within his own development as an individual. See how he progresses, his progress and efforts, how he matures when facing life and working on his own limitations with respect to himself ”.

Especially interesting is the chapter dedicated to "false beliefs". Beliefs are fixed ideas with strong messages that characterize people's lives. One of them is that all the siblings have to receive the same, since it is assumed that they are all the same. Nevertheless, they are all different and therefore with different needs.

Berger also examines the popular belief that siblings should get along and be friends or they should not conflict with each other. Actually It is expected that they have conflicts and that if they resolve them well, they will come out stronger.

Among the multiple appreciations for parents, we chose to close the note one related to empathy. Fanny Berger explains that “The father or mother can choose to position themselves to look at their children two different and opposite lenses: the lens of empathy and that of expectations. The only lens that helps in life is the lens of empathy, because it can capture reality as it is. On the other hand, the lens of the expectations that each parent has can distort the look that one has towards each child in particular ”.

Parents must assume from the birth of each child that each one is different and that our role is to help each one to fulfill their maximum potential in whatever area. Not all of them will be great professionals, great artists, probably financially some will obtain a greater development than the others. We must let them know from a young age that they are different and that what matters in life is to achieve what each one sets out to do, even if it is completely different from the goals of his or her siblings.

You can read more articles similar to Brothers: bonds that leave their mark, in the category of Brothers on site.


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